I had the blessing of knowing someone. This may seem a bit of an odd statement. I say it this way however, because two people coming together in giddy awe and adoration for one another and deciding, ''you know what, you are the one I want by my side, to be mine”, that is a special something. An exchange so divine, so profound in its complexity and beautiful in its sanctity.
As mesmeric as relationships are. As infinitely deep as the well of love flows, I myself have never had the opportunity of fully experiencing its splendour. Perhaps the wording, ''I haven't allowed myself'' may be a more accurate expression. Letting go and choosing the free floating bliss of fully caressing the depths and meaning of LOVE, amore. That I have not done. Handing over consent to someone, letting them get close enough to touch your heart is a scary thing. Grand and delicate. To allow what was once a stranger to touch you. See you. Know you. Now, that is madness. A necessary madness!
The above thoughts are the aftermath of what I can now – for the first time – call a relationship I'm grateful to have tasted. It was short lived. Even so, I’ve come to understand that as soon as someone shows you yourself – without the distractions of sex – and unleashes parts of you you had never explored, it is then that you’re in the realm of a relationship. As long as your in an exchange that changes you, empowering you for what comes after – that experience, exchange alone can be called a relationship.
For many reasons that keep revealing themselves to me as I search for my truth, I am yet to fall hopelessly in love and give myself fully to man. I have met very few men that have called me too this action. I have also stood in the company of men that – even if but for a moment – have touched secret places of my heart and there they will remain. These men have featured in my life for as long as I would let them. It has never been for very long. See I run away or I push them away. This time with this man, knowing what I know about myself, I wanted and decided to have it be different. I would open myself up to be seen, open myself up to trust and to give. To be a companion to a man I had cared for for far longer than I heeded to admit. It was not very hard cause see, this was a wonderful man that beckoned me to stay. This was a fellow I was ready to love and all that fluffy stuff. He asked me to be his and I complied straight away doing the opposite of what I had been accustomed to when sought out by the opposite sex. I shared with him my thoughts, I shared with him generous acts of affection, letting him gaze at intimate aspects of me, telling him I was there in not so many words. Then came my ounce of fear, scepticism and questioning. Something was amiss in this new dance and any plans of my fully letting it take me were halted by a lack of something secure. Was I reacting out of habit? Was this my way of trying to run, retreat and be... just me as I was accustomed or were my reservations and concerns valid?
It was an uncomfortable push and pull for a while longer up until I got to this realisation. Choosing a partner for yourself is not like buying shoes or even committing to a house. It is a pronouncement of your values, beliefs and character manifested in another person. It is your statement to the world that says, ''this is who I am, this person is my mirror'' and reflects the best parts of me. That individual evokes your subconscious assertions, values and character - a physical manifestation of who you are. This of course with the knowledge that no one is perfect.That in fact you choose to love an imperfect person perfectly. The act of choosing someone is not a small decision – even at a dating level. As much as I was fighting the fact that my affection for my male friend was growing, that understanding set my reasoning louder. My twin sister Nandi put it perfectly. ''You don't always have to get emotional, sometimes simply have to use your head.'' I began to use my head. Doubt is never comforting and we often convince ourselves we're being dramatic or over analyzing when in fact the plain truth of it all is that you deserve better. The truth of the matter is, only you know what you truly want for yourself and only you can define those elements of who you choose to give yourself to and how they then treat you based on that choice. Choice.
A ''perfect gentleman'' once said, ''Lets stop the gender game and lets raise the bar!” That's it! We’ve got to raise the bar and we have to start believing we deserve the things that we want for ourselves without feeling bad. Love is in the detail, not in the promises of words because that is but all they are. You deserve to be treated like a princess because you are all of that and more! You need to believe that you are worthy of life’s best and not seek to hide when it doesn't arrive when you want it to. Sit with yourself in quiet and ask YOU what YOU want. That is where true happiness lies. Focus on nurturing and knowing you – because you matter far more and can give yourself much more than anybody else can. Sit beside yourself and be awed by your being. Then, see what happens. William Thackeray once said, ''Follow your honest convictions, and stay strong.'' We have to stay strong. Your goodness is coming! Show up for yourself and that person will show up for you!
I wish you all the love of this world!
Aim high, Roam free...
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