In my 27 years of life, I've stood on the side-lines observing and contemplating love. As a deeply open person to the joys of people and the contrasts they present, its often disturbed me how I've remained coiled up to the gift of love. To my own surprise and that of many, I'm far more closed up and fearful of the intimacy found beyond the sheets but face-to-face with another, in the intricate dance of romance. I've come to embrace the meaning of love, the romantic kind specifically, its roots and causes, lessons and hopes. I've finally begun to understand loves purpose.
For seven months of last year I engaged in what has been my longest relationship to date, and the lessons that came in this long (short for some) exchange with a man who came to teach empowered me. I've come to believe that our true nature can only be found in the reflections reflected back by another, and that the contrasts triggered by each person’s character traits will take you far deeper than you would have looked without them. We both arrived curious and expecting of one another. We rushed into a partnership armed with what we had assumed to know of each other, settling on it as truth. I'll be the first to tell you that I am not always lovable, often pushing people away from my fears of being hurt, abandoned and for reasons I still actively seek. I can be a poor communicator often holding things in, rather than expressing how I really feel. For the first time in my experience, He held on, refusing to be pushed. I squirmed, shrieked and struggled to be looked at until I could no longer run. Until… I no longer desired to. I grew stronger. Grew quieter and found a trust I had not seen before, nor recognized in myself in years. I found love. Although it didn't come with the soundtrack and bells as I'd been led to believe, I was gently disarmed and told to change my mind. We laughed, we cried. I cried. And cried, and cried. We fought, we made up. We disagreed and hurried towards each other to seek understanding. I had never experienced anything like it. And I had begun to see how far my own love could reach. I was reacquainted with the affectionate lovable side of me again!
One night it suddenly ended. I know sometimes things shock us when they happen, even though the signs had always been there but, in my case, the rug was pulled from under me and the light switched off. I felt like a house dog told to lay outside on a rainy day. Numb; unable to fully wrap my mind around it. I looked at things from all angels and sought the counsel of my family and close friends and together, sense still did not arrive. I surrendered and asked to be shown the lesson in all of this. It came. It came glaringly again a few weeks later in the form of death, but without falling apart, I listened and gracefully looked onto my purpose. It was loud and clear and I knew exactly what needed to be done. I was bold and took heed of the prompting, following its song: My Song. Suddenly the blooming ensued amid the thorns and aches of a hearts voyage. My journey continues.
So… I guess the point of these words is to express
forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself; Him: and the song: My Song that I
had neglected for so very long.
I forgive you. I forgive you. I let it go. From the deepest
places of my heart, thank you. I was a damaged woman and you reminded me of my
beauty. You showed me how precious I was with the way you handled me during the
moments I was at my ugliest. You've begun to heal wounds you had nothing to do
with, wounds that got here long, long ago, and with your encouragement I
finally found the courage to heed my calling. Sing my song. For that I will forever
me grateful. And for that I will always embrace love for you. My wish for you is that God continues to hold you in the palm of his
hands and that the dreams you shared with me in quiet find their place and meaning
in your heart. I wish you well.
I forgive you. I forgive you. I let it go.
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